


Holding Hands

by pleasereadmeok



Category: The Good Wife (TV)
Genre: F/M, No Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-06
Updated: 2015-03-06
Packaged: 2018-03-16 11:49:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,619
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3487190
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pleasereadmeok/pseuds/pleasereadmeok
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When they had finally ended up in bed it was like the frosting on an already delicious cake.  They had one perfect night together and Alicia knew that it could always be that way if she would only ‘commit’.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Holding Hands

**Author's Note:**

> They say that the course of true love never runs smoothly and I know that the Good Wife writers love to put obstacles in the paths of people who are meant to be together. Unfortunately it seems like they are re-visiting the familiar route of the ‘love triangle’ but I think the ‘obstacle’ in this story would be far more interesting if the TGW writers developed it better than I ever could.

“Alicia I think we really need to talk.”  
Alicia recognised from the tone of Finn’s voice that he was determined to confront the topic they had been avoiding. Alicia didn’t want to confront it.  
“Let’s meet at the diner, 8ish?” She said.  
“The _diner?_ ”  
“Yes.”

Alicia took a deep breath before she entered the diner. Finn was already sitting in a booth. She smiled at him and sat opposite. “Hi.”  
He returned her smile and instinctively reached to hold her hand.  
“Finn.” She pulled her hand away.  
His face fell. “You can’t bear for me to touch you can you? Sorry – this was a mistake. I need to go.” He got up abruptly and rushed out of the diner.  
Alicia followed. Finn was already in his car and starting the engine, his face set in a frown. She got into the passenger door and sat beside him. “Finn, please. You’re right – we do need to talk.”

“We spend a year dancing around each other, flirting and getting closer. We were finally getting somewhere Alicia. We shared the most intimate thing two people can share and then you avoid me. Now you can’t bear for me to touch you, you shrink away from me like I’ve got a disease. Please don’t tell me it didn’t mean anything to you.”  
“You’re wrong – it did. Finn it was incredible. I loved being with you. I ..It was just that it was so public in there – people would have seen.”  
“Look I get that. It’s always going to be like this though – not able to hold your hand, kiss you in public – do anything in public for that matter. I know it’s selfish and I should be happy with what we’ve got but it’s hard.”  
“Finn you know I can’t…”  
“Can’t or **won’t**? Part of me thinks I’m being over sensitive. I can’t believe we finally got together – I guess I’m just waiting for you to say it was a mistake. _Part_ of me thinks that. BUT you knew what I wanted to talk about and instead of choosing somewhere private you chose to meet here. You _chose_ somewhere we couldn’t talk properly. You _chose_ somewhere that we couldn’t show any sign of affection for each other. You chose it deliberately. How am I supposed to feel about that?  
“No – I ….”  
“Look I really need to go now.”  
“Finn.”  
“It’s OK I’ll be fine. I just need to get my head around it all – I’ll call you tomorrow – don’t worry.” He kissed her cheek and leant over to open the car door for her and she was dismissed.

 

In bed that night Alicia thought about Finn and what he had said. Up until recently Finn had just been her friend. She trusted him, he supported her unconditionally, he was caring, funny, wise and Alicia loved spending time with him. Something about it just felt ‘right’. When they had finally ended up in bed it was like the frosting on an already delicious cake. They had one perfect night together and Alicia knew that it could always be that way if she would only ‘commit’. If she got together with Finn she understood it would be forever – he would never cheat on her, he wouldn’t try to change or control her – he would just be by her side. She could have a good life with him. This wonderful man had come into her life and he was hers if she wanted him. So why had she avoided him since that night?

Finn was right – Alicia _had_ chosen the diner deliberately because she thought it was ‘safe’, that they wouldn’t be able to get into an awkward conversation about their relationship and because she knew he wouldn’t be able to touch her. He was right about the secrecy as well. Questions rushed through her mind – questions that she needed to answer for her sake as well as Finn’s. Why keep things secret? Was it just the situation with Peter or was she holding herself back? Had she got to the stage where she was just using Peter as an excuse? Why? What was she waiting for? Why was she still hiding? Did she prefer to stay alone? One by one, she answered the questions and made up her mind. 

 

In the morning, before Alicia went to work, she took Grace a cup of tea and sat on the edge of her bed. “Grace, I need to talk to you.”  
“Mom – what’s wrong?” Alicia hesitated at first but she knew she had to do this now – or she would lose Finn and be alone again.  
“Grace, I’m going to ask your father for a divorce.”  
“Oh!”  
“What do you think?”  
“I don’t know. I knew it would happen sometime but why now?”  
“I’ve met someone else and I don’t want to hide it anymore.”  
“Who? Do I know him?”  
“Yes – you and Zach met him after Will died. He came here … Finn.”  
“I remember. How long have you …”  
“We’ve been good friends for a year or so but it’s more than that now. I trust him. I feel safe with him. We’re good together.”  
Grace hugged Alicia “I want you to be happy.”  
“I’ll talk to Zach and your father later – but can we keep this to ourselves for now?”  
“Yes… OK. Tell me when you’ve spoken to Zach ….”

Alicia called Zach later and the conversation went almost exactly as it had done with Grace. Alicia deliberately told her children first. She knew that once she had told them she would not go back on her decision – she couldn’t. Now she had to speak to Peter. 

“Peter I’m sorry to barge in like this but it’s important.”  
“What’s wrong – is it the kids?”  
“No – it’s ‘us’ – our arrangement.”

Peter was angry - mainly about Finn. He felt his suspicions were right all along – he didn’t believe Alicia that nothing had happened until recently. Alicia was determined and got through it somehow. In the end she resorted to the only thing he would understand – a threat. She threatened to go to the press with the whole sordid story about their sham relationship. “How long did you think this could go on? I deserve to have a life where I can have a chance to be happy with someone else. I am not going to hide how I feel about Finn anymore. I’ve had enough of secrets. Zach and Grace know already. I told them today so there is no going back now.” 

 

As soon as Alicia could, she went to Finn’s office desperate to speak to him and tell him that she was going to be free. Most of all she wanted to be able to throw her arms around him, in public, to show that she didn’t care what other people thought anymore. 

Alicia’s joy was apparent when she rushed into Finn’s office, but there were two other people present and that changed everything. She had to check herself quickly and hide her feelings again. Finn was swiftly at her side and hissed quietly, “I’m sorry – I didn’t know she was coming – I’ll explain later.” A woman was sitting on his sofa. She was blonde and beautiful. 

The blonde stood up. “Finn? Aren’t you going to introduce us?”  
“Yes,” Finn was clearly uncomfortable and hesitant, “Lizzie, this is Alicia. Alicia this is …”  
“Hi Alicia – I’m Lizzie Polmar. Wow – those are really _great_ shoes!” Alicia looked up into the clearest blue eyes she had ever seen and her heart stopped. It was Finn’s ex wife.  
“Er – thank you.” 

“Daddy look at this – have you seen this Daddy?!”  
The small boy was standing on the window sill looking out over the city. “We’ll look in a minute. Come and meet Daddy’s friend.” Finn lifted the boy down gently. “Patrick – say hello to Alicia.”  
Patrick confidently held out his hand to shake Alicia’s and said very formally -“Hello Alicia. I’m Patrick Polmar and I’m very pleased to meet you. How do you do?” Alicia took his hand and smiled at him.  
“I’m well thank you and I’m very pleased to meet you too Patrick.”  
“You’re very pretty.” Patrick added.  
Alicia laughed. “Thank you Patrick – you’re very handsome as well.”  
The boy smiled, displaying his toothless gaps, happy to be praised. Alicia was right – he was handsome. His smile, his face, his demeanour, his beautiful blue/green eyes – everything about him was pure Finn. 

“Hey buddy – why don’t you count the buildings for me?” Finn lifted Patrick back up on the window sill and the boy started to count “OK Dad. 1, 2, 3….”  
“Lizzie and Patrick are visiting – it was a spur of the moment thing.”  
Finn was agitated and wired. He looked like he was just keeping it together. Alicia felt she was intruding and ought to leave.  
“Yes – we had some free time so we wanted to see Daddy didn’t we Paddy?”  
“Yes – 10, 11, 12…”  
“That’s so great. Well it was really lovely to meet you both. I – I’d better go… Finn I’ll talk to you later about ….” She tailed off. Lizzie was watching her closely and Alicia knew something was badly wrong. Finn looked almost desperately at her – his eyes were pleading with her to stay. 

The tension was broken when Finn’s phone rang. “Sorry I need to…” He spoke on the phone and was even more agitated. “OK I’ll be there in 10.”  
“I’m sorry I have to get down to court ASAP.” He said abruptly and then gently to Patrick, “I’ll see you in a bit OK – keeping counting for me.”  
“OK Dad … 24, 25, 26…” Finn left reluctantly.  
Alicia started to follow Finn out but Lizzie said, “Do you have to go? Stay and keep me company for a while. I haven’t met any of Finn’s Chicago friends. You can tell me where you got those shoes!” She patted the sofa beside her and Alicia sat down.

“So do you work together?”  
“Yes – well – not exactly. I’m a defence attorney – although I’m not practising at the moment – I’m running for S.A.”  
“S.A.? Oh yes of course – sorry I’m not a lawyer.”  
“What do you do?”  
“Well – before Paddy – I was in advertising. So how well do you know Finn?”  
She was looking at Alicia intently. It was a pointed question.  
“31, 32, 33…”  
“Um – well we’re friends as well as colleagues.”  
“Yes – I can see that.” Lizzie smiled sympathetically. “I’m so sorry Alicia.”  
“Why _‘sorry’_? I don’t understand…”  
“I think you are more than friends. Am I right?” Alicia tried to hide her panic.  
“48, 49, 50 – Mom I got to 50!”  
“Well done baby – see if there’s a 100.” Lizzie did not look at her son when she spoke, she was focussed on Alicia. Alicia wanted to run.  
“Alicia – Finn and I – we’re getting back together.” Alicia felt like she had been punched.  
“This time apart – it’s been hard for us both and for Paddy of course.”  
“67, 68, 69…”  
Inside Alicia was crumbling.  
“We’ve had time to think about what we really want – we need to be together.” Alicia heard the words in the distance, she was underwater, she was drowning.  
“78, 79, 80…”  
“We’re going to try for another baby.” Alicia couldn’t hide her feelings – her heart – _broke_.  
“92, 93, 94…”  
“I … I think I ought to go.”  
Alicia ran from the office as she heard Patrick’s joyful laugh.  
“100! I found 100 buildings and there’s still lots more.” Lizzie stood up and put her arms around Patrick. “Well done Paddy – we can tell Daddy when he gets back.”

Alicia ran into the restroom and stood staring at the mirror as the tears fell. All this time she’d been holding back – all that wasted time – and now…  
She ducked into a cubicle and leant against the partition and sobbed. She had found this amazing man and now she was losing him forever. She felt the familiar waves of grief all over again.

After a while Alicia managed to compose herself enough to get to her office and collect her things. She made her excuses and left. Diane caught up with her in the foyer. “Alicia – my god – what’s happened?”  
Alicia couldn’t explain.  
“I’m sorry. I need to go.”  
“Call me. Please.”

 

At home Alicia went straight to bed as she had done almost exactly a year ago. She remembered how Finn had visited her in her bedroom and had been so kind to her. She covered her face with the covers and cried. The tears were still coming hours later.

Grace knocked on the door. “Mom – what’s wrong?”  
“I’m fine – it was a really bad day. I’m tired that’s all.”  
“Mom? Is it Dad? Did he give you a hard time?”  
“No it was OK in the end.”  
“Is it about Finn?”  
“Finn? No really. I just need to sleep.”  
“I’ll get you some camomile tea – it’ll help.”  
“Thanks.”

 

Alicia heard the cup being placed on the side table.  
“Thank you.”  
“You’re welcome.” Finn said.  
He sat on the bed and pulled the covers down to see her face.  
“Oh your poor face – Alicia…” He sat her up so he could put his arms around her and stroke her hair. “I’m sorry I couldn’t get here sooner. Court dragged on and then I had to sort things out with Lizzie and Patrick. Diane told me you’d left.”  
“It’s OK. Lizzie told me… It’s OK - really.”  
“Oh god. No Alicia. Lizzie told me what she said.”  
“I’ll be fine, you don’t have to worry – I’m just tired.”  
“No. What she told you … When you came in to my office she had just told me that she wanted us to try again, for us to be together.”  
“Yes – it’s OK I understand.”  
“No – let me finish. I didn’t have a chance to answer because you came in.”  
“Oh – I’m sorry I didn’t mean to …”  
“Alicia it’s what Lizzie wanted but I don’t. So much has happened, so much was _said_ – I just can’t go back there.”  
“So you’re not?…”  
“She thought I’d still want to be with her, that I’d still love her, but I … don’t.”  
“What about Patrick?”  
“I know I ought to try again for Patrick’s sake but that wouldn’t be fair on any of us in the end – Lizzie especially. I care for her but I don’t love like I should. We’re sorting out proper visitation rights – I’ll make it work.”  
“He’s a wonderful boy.”  
“He liked you. He takes after his father!”

Finn took off his jacket, kicked off his shoes and climbed in bed beside Alicia. He held her tight.  
“I’m so sorry. Lizzie told me what she said to you – she knew she was out of line when I explained how I felt. She just _assumed_.”  
“She told me you were going to try for another baby.”  
“Oh god - she said that! She was on a roll! Look she’s not a bad person – she just…”  
“Wanted you back… I get that.”  
“Let’s not talk about her anymore – it’s over – sorted. Let’s talk about us. I’m so sorry I put pressure on you. I can cope with the secrecy. It’ll be OK now I promise.”  
Alicia started to laugh.  
“What’s funny?”  
“Finn, when I came to see you this morning I was going to tell you that Peter and I are getting a divorce. I’ve spoken to Zach and Grace and they know about you. So there’s no need for secrets anymore.”  
“Really? God - we’ve both had busy days! Wow! Do you know what that means to me?”  
“Yes. I think I do.”  
Finn was smiling so wide his face could have cracked - “It means I get to hold your hand in the diner now.”


End file.
